Showing Love To Your Teen

by Channing Herrera, LMFT

Adolescence is a challenging time for parents for many reasons. It can also be painful, especially with the emotional and physical separation our teens often demonstrate during this time. Developmentally, it is appropriate for teens to begin to see themselves as individuals and lessen their attachment, especially physically, to their parents. Our teen still needs our support and encouragement, just in a way that is different from how we once demonstrated it.

You may observe your teen exploring this phase through minimal communication, a decrease in physical engagement, and withdrawal from family interactions. This can be a difficult and trying phase for parents. It is important to know that when your teen rebuffs your affection, it is not a rejection of you, but rather an invitation to us as parents to reconsider how we interact with our teen.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you are exploring how to best show love and affection to your teen:

Managing the awkward moments. Your teen may perceive physical affection as uncomfortable, awkward, or unwanted. However, teens do continue to need a sense of love and connectedness. Removing all signs of physical affection is not the way to go. Continue to offer physical affection, but pay attention to your teen’s cues and adjust as necessary. Some days, a touch on the shoulder may be what your teen needs and other days it may be a hug. As a parent, remind yourself that this phase is normal and that your teen may sometimes have difficulty communicating what it is that he/she needs and is feeling. 

Talk about what your teen is comfortable with. Engaging in a conversation with your teen about what you have been noticing in regards to your teen’s reactions to your attempts to connect can lead to insight for both of you. Asking your teen what feels comfortable, in a curious and nonjudgmental manner, can bring clarification. Explore what kinds of loving expression feel most comfortable to your teen, keeping in mind various moods and circumstances. Reflecting back what you hear your teen say can help your teen feel heard and is another step toward maintaining a bond. You may choose to have this discussion while driving or on a walk so that there is minimal eye contact, as this may help your teen may feel more comfortable.

Practicing other ways to connect. There are other forms of affection, including non-physical gestures of love that can also offer feelings of connection for both you and your teen. Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages,” explores the various love languages and how to know your loved one’s preferred love language. The five primary love languages are quality time, acts of service, physical touch, gift giving, and words of affirmation. We tend to give love using the love language we like to receive; however, if that is not your teen’s love language, your teen will not receive it as love in the way that you would. If you know what your teen’s love language is and can communicate love in that way to your teen, your teen will be able to see and receive it more fully. Although physical affection may be what you want to give, allowing your teen to make a choice in the type of love and affection your teen wants to receive is modeling true love and respect for your teen.

Continue to explore with curiosity your teen’s preferred ways of both giving and receiving love. Through this process you will learn to engage with your teen in a deeper and more meaningful way.